I don't know how to make a good title

Oct 06, 2020

I don't even know anymore.

What is there to hope, when we know things will never turn out right. Humanity will never be able to unite as one, because we always have differences, and differences can lead to conflict. Just look at how we are right now in this current pandemic in this country.

Every time people put faith in something, the thing will disappoint. Why does people think that just following the SOP and "we will be fine"? We will never be fine. All we do is just to lead to inevitable. Cases are rising once again, and there's nothing we will ever do now that can stop it.

On the other hand, I have no idea how to feel about anything. Every time I browse social media, it fuels my anxiety too much, and I can't even describe it. I see people angry, that means I should feel angry right? But if I don't feel angry, that means I am an ignorant shitter that should just die from the virus. This is the same for any kind of emotions. I have problems processing emotions right now, and all I do right now is to just cope with it by steering my thoughts out of it, but sometimes it comes up again and it gets harder and harder for me to deal with it. But what's the point?

People are having more issues financially than me. I am unemployed, but living off parent's retirement money and I seem to have a privileged life. That means I should not work, because I am robbing off people's opportunity for them to live a life, right? Even if I work, I am making the rich even richer, isn't that a bad thing?  After all, I am just a drone of society, whom if I just follow what majority thinks, I would be just fine. Thinking otherwise would mean that being hated on, and having myself being wished to death by people. Thinking differently than others is a bad thing, even though what we think is inherently right. This is the reason why we can never unite as humanity.

Just realized you're out of the loop? Too bad. People knew it already and will do their best to condescend you. "You're just now realizing this?" "Read more, you shit". I am too stupid to think anything. Being scolded for not being where people are yet. Being scolded for not knowing enough. Maybe I should just vanish after all.

Because what's the point, if I am forever going to be a useless person. No matter what I try in life, it's pointless because there are always people going to talk me down because they know more, and/or are better at it. If I'm "immune to propaganda" I am evil, worthless and disposable. After all, I did get stuck in university for a long time. After all, I lack the desire to improve myself.

It's so emotionally draining, and I wish someone can just delete me off existence. What's the point living anyway if I do nothing worthy to contribute to the society. Every time I awake I sometimes have the urge to puke and cry for no reason. I am still too scared to even leave outside, let alone visit a doctor. But what's the point, if a person like me seek help anyway?

No matter how much pain I feel, someone else out there has more pain than me. Please, I just want to get rid of these thoughts. Perhaps, maybe I should take away my own life. My family will be extremely sad if I'm dead, but in few years they will still continue their usual life. Is it really a selfish thing in concept by ending my own life? I will finally be free of all these thoughts, all the harmful thoughts against myself and even others. With that concept, people who think they hold close to me should do a favour and continue on with their lives after all.

I just want it to stop.

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